I’m trying to change that, making myself notice when I haven’t done anything. To remedy it I’ve started to ride my bike to work (though I can’t yet ride the full way). I’ve started doing a few rounds of DDR when I’m bored. I’m trying to prepare actual meals instead of just grazing on dry cereal.

But then again I’ve been here before. I’m not discouraged though. The past is the past, it’s the future I’m looking to.

At almost 30 years old I’ve decided that it’s time to start getting on with my life. I’m enrolling in college this summer. I’m making plans for the future that don’t involve shrugging my shoulders and making vague guesses about what I’ll be doing a few years from now.

They say the 30s are the new 20s and I’m planning on actually living.

At the end of my walks (to and from work) my legs ache, my feet are on fire and my knees and hips feel as though they’d just as soon quit than continue to propel my legs. Breaks are not even a passing thought because I know once I sit to rest, to relax, that I will stiffen up and it’ll be that much more impossible to get back up and start walking again.

So I deal with it for now, knowing that eventually I’ll be in better shape and this walk won’t be quite so impossible in the very near future.

So how is it that it doesn’t always really work that way? According to FitDay I’m at about 7000  caloric difference for the week and here I am 2 pounds HEAVIER. I know there are things like water weight to consider and blah blah blah but it’s ridiculously annoying to see the numbers climbing when I’m doing everything that I should be doing.

I’m hoping that these magically gained pounds somehow melt off while I sleep one night and I end up showing my loss properly, but in the mean time I won’t allow my disappointment to turn into discouragement.

I’m doing this even if the scale and my body aren’t cooperating with my efforts.

So I did. I did some warm-ups and strength training with my balance ball and then danced where little arrows indicated for the next half an hour.

It was good, I didn’t have to drag myself to do it, I didn’t have to convince myself. I wanted to do it so I did. Tada!

I’m proud of myself.

Also it’s the start of Lent today. I know that most people love Christmas but Lent/Easter is my favorite holiday season. Post on that later.

“Mistakes, obviously, show us what needs improving. Without mistakes, how would we know what we had to work on?” Peter McWilliams

I bought a scale last week.

I had thought that so long as I was maintaining my weight that I was fine. I told myself that I would get back to getting healthy again once I was settled and could deal with rebuilding a routine. But I told myself that so long as I was maintaining my weight previous weight loss I would be fine.

And then I bought a scale and found out that I’m not fine.

Of the 50 pounds that I lost years ago I’ve regained 25 in the very recent past and likely thensome as I’d lost some addition weight a few months back. How much I couldn’t tell you since at the time I didn’t have a scale. But now I have one and I know exactly where I am and it’s depressing.

I’d allowed myself to lapse, to let good habits fade out and let bad habits bloom. I let myself get lazy with my eating and with exercise and I expeced, somehow, that it would be OK because magically the weight wouldn’t come back. Obviously this is ridiculous fairy land logic but that’s what I’d convinced myself.

And then last week I bought a scale.

Not having one was a mistake. I’m glad that I’ve rectified that one mistake. Now to get cracking on the rest, like paying attention to this blog.

Today I carefully entered everything I ate into my new Fitday account. Today I sat around on my balance ball instead of on the couch. Today I danced for cardio. Today I had a glass of water with dinner instead of Diet Coke. Today I acted like my body and the things I do with it, the things I put into it matter.

I’m not sure what’s changed, but I like it. Here’s hoping it doesn’t stop with just today.

I’m sorry. I’m so so so so sorry. I’ve neglected you in every way possible, and let you down in more ways than I can count. I’ve fallen into bad habits, into an unhealthy life style and skipped down a road that is certain to lead to more unhappiness and more depression.

Chrissie, you deserve better and I’m sorry.

I can’t promise that this is me turning over a new leaf. We’ve both been there before and I know that you know better than to trust me with radical changes of actual life style. But at least I want you to know that I know what I’m doing, I know that it’s hurting you, but I have a problem and I don’t know how to stop, but I am willing to try.

Despite the abuse and the neglect I do love you. I think you are smart and brilliant and hilarious and so blindingly kind that it’s amazing that you don’t glow. I know that I’ve been standing in the way of all that and I’m sorry.

We’ll work this out, I promise. Together.

I love you,

Chrissie

I’m OK and with the help of my friends and my family I will continue to be OK and maybe even manage to get myself up out of the slump I’ve been in for a few years now.

I’ve been living my life on autopilot for a while now and while it’s been an interesting ride it’s not a sustainable style of life. I’m tired. I need to make decisions. I need to ask myself difficult questions and face difficult answers and see where that takes me.

So this year’s new year resolution (which I’m getting a jump start on) is to get to know myself because frankly it’s time that I stopped living with a stranger.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone.

So this year I am going to send them all. I have an abundance of cards. I have an abundance of family members but not as many family members as cards which is why I’m turning to the Internet for help.

Would you like a Christmas card from a person from the Internet that you’ve never met? I bet you do!

Email your address and as much of your name as you’re comfortable sharing to granola.chic@gmail.com and you’ll get a spot on my card list. I promise that I won’t expect a card in return. I also promise not to sell or use your identity for anything nefarious (unless you think Christmas cards are nefarious).